so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
