Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
