The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
