I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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