I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
