just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
