I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
