either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
