I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
