we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
