he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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