Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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