My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
