You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
