You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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