I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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