i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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