Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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