so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you had me at cake vodka
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize