After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
