So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
