someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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