if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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