First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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