i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
