Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
