someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
