i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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