"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
