Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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