On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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