I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
