I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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