it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
