Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
