Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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