Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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