I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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sex in a hospital.. check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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