Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
