Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
