i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
