You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
