so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
