hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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