I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
