it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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