I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
