I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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