I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
