my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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