She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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