My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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