I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
