we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
