if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
